Thursday, July 30, 2009

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Emotional Times: Anger Management tips

Emotional Times: Anger Management tips

Friday, July 17, 2009

Communication

Favor finding you! Because of whom you are. By Anthony Chapter one Communicating We all have experiences in being effective in our communication or using the positive part of our personality in exchange to get what we want or need. I’m not talking about manipulation or brown nosing. What I’m talking about is honing in on the positive, courteous, polite part of your inner self, to put favor and odds in your corner to receive what you need, and more. Favor is: “an accommodating or obliging act that is freely granted by another person” It also causes the positive odds not to be available in your corner. Positive odds are “the odds of positive energy and input from others and the universe, to be on your side”. Another older term is: “What goes around comes around”. The “more is” when a person dose a favor for someone else and then goes beyond expectations to enhance the favor that is provided. Life brings us many experiences in which we exchange the positive parts of who we are, to get our needs met and more. In most cases not even realizing it. That’s the concept I want to convey. By using this phenomenon to achieve maximum potential favors on your side, to receive what we need and more. We have received it in most of our relationships, whether it’s intimate with our significant other, in our families, friends, and associates. It can be at the grocery store, on the job, or wherever you go to get a need or needs met. Especially when you are helpless to get what you want and you need a third party which is an outside source to get your needs met. This book is not on how to achieve your needs by manipulation. Let’s discuss the terms of manipulation. One of the definitions of manipulation is: “to influence or manage shrewdly or deviously.” Manipulation may work at the beginning, but it’s only a matter of time before people recognize what you are doing. This in exchange will bring into the situation irritation and distrust. You may be able to get your needs met at the beginning, but once you are found out, you can expect rejection and resistance. This causes potential favors to flee from you. Favor is: “an accommodating or obliging act that is freely granted by another person” It also causes the positive odds not to be available in your corner. Positive odds are “the odds of positive energy and input from others and the universe, to be on your side”. Another older term is: “What goes around comes around”. This book is not about brown nosing or in slang terms, a “kiss ass.” Brown nosing is instead of being a manipulator; you are the one who is being manipulated. This is disrespectful of who you are as a person. This happens with total disregard of your character and individuality. In return there is no personal or very minimal gratification, along with no sense of inner fulfillment. When you are being used in this manner the manipulator will in most cases throw you out kibbles and bits to ensure that you are depended on them, or use the “dangling carrot in front of the mule” method. This will be the only trade for your efforts. I must say again manipulation and brown nosing are contrary to what this book is about. I want to focus on communicating to get what you want. I believe that it’s not only through words, but through who you are as a person and how you express yourself through your personality and character. You want to make people as comfortable as possible in order to make the encounter as pleasant as possible, this way you ensure the maximum possibility to attaining what you need, and more. For example, suppose you are in a long line to receive a particular service. You can see the clerk is overwhelmed and frustrated with everything that is going on and you are not even sure if you are at the correct place. It gets close to your turn, and the person in front of you goes to the counter to get served, you are next. The person in front of you is having a conflict with the clerk. The person begins to raise his or her voice as they find out the service offered is not sufficient to meet their needs. So the person tries to force the clerk with (negative manipulation) to their get their needs met. This only irritates the clerk more, who in turns shuts down from being helpful. You can see now that the clerk is just trying to get rid of this irritating pest. I didn’t mention the person in front of you, looks similar to you. The race is the same along with the dress style. As the guy in front of you leaves, he notes verbally in an irritated voice, “They need to hire people who know what they are doing”. As he passes by you he states, “Good luck” in a sarcastic way. The clerk also hears this. So when you finally walk up to the counter you notice the clerk has become defensive and frustrated. He’s also very heated from his last encounter. All he sees in you is another person who’s going to cause him more grief. You also are flustered from the long wait in line. You are unsure if you will be able to get what you need wondering if you are going to be embarrassed by even being in the wrong place. This is very uncomfortable for you. So you have a choice, whether to let your insecurities take over and you go to the counter in a defensive mode ready to pour out your frustrations in a bucket of negativity all over the person in front of you. This could possibly be how you have handled past encounters. Or you could choose to reach down into your inner self and allow your positive personality to take control and override your frustration. You have to know that right now the clerk is out of pleasantries. In the need of something outside of himself which will bring some kind of comfort. You may have just what he needs. Some appreciation for his position is what he needs because the person in front of you left him feeling unappreciated, and frustrated the first thing you want to do is to defuse the clerk from expecting the same type of experience that he just had with the other guy. Even though you have already recognized the state of the clerk is in, it’s still nice to ask “how are you doing today”? You may get a cynical stare back from the clerk, because it obvious he’s not doing well. What you are attempting to do is break the ice with showing some thought of how he’s feeling. The clerk may want to be courteous and polite at a minimum and say I’m doing fine, thank you, but we know differently. Or else the clerk may want to be defensive and vent a little, and give you a little of his side of the story about what just happened to him. Once he’s finished he may or may not want to hear any response from you, for fear of what you may say, and will go right into asking you” What can I do for you”?. Now is the perfect time to allow that positive part of you are to shine. Your response should be something like this. “Man you have a tough job; it takes a lot of energy to deal with people in a job like yours. That statement brings a breath of fresh air to the situation. He looks up at you with new light in his eyes, because his first impression of you is changing. In this you have affirmed his importance and value. It’s like pouring cold water on heated coals. Now you have defused the situation as much as you can. It’s time to see if you are able to get your needs met. The clerk can only provide a portion of what you need. The clerk really wants to help, but it’s outside the service he provides. But because of the positive encounter he has experienced with you he is willing to go an extra mile to get you as much help as he can. So he tells you to wait a moment and he will see if he can find out more for you. He might go in the back where others are working, and ask around, gathering information. When he comes back, he may not only tell you where you can get the remainder of what you need. But also gives you the short cut way to attain it. By allowing the positive part of who you are to shine, you not only maximize the potential of the clerks’ ability, but the clerk became a resource to find the remainder. We all have these experiences that have worked for us in the past. It may be as little as a pat on the back or as huge as a monetary work bonus, this is what we want to build on. You have to be okay with the times when you may not receive the outcome you are looking for. And it is okay if an encounter does not produce a positive ending. The fact that you gave the situation all the positive energy that was available from who you are, has to be your gratification. The trick to this is pouring in positive energy without any expectations. We often find these principles easy, when the task is within our comfort zone and we are in familiar areas. But what about the times when we are in strange waters and in intimidating circumstances? This is when we break down through our insecurities we get defensive and out of nowhere we produce a negative force which can overwhelm those around us and we can get caught up in a defensive mode and lose focus on what we really are trying to attain. Most of the time we leave with our needs not being met to the fullest. The worst thing about this is that we end up settling for whatever is handed out. Of course you may get what you want some of the time, and the rest of the time we just settle for minimal or even less. The problem with this technique is that you may need to come back for another problem. The question is how will this provider respond this time? Will the person be pleased to help you the second time. Or will the person be hesitant and reluctant to serve you? Maybe you left them with a bitter taste. I want to talk about communication that’s just not to get you what you want, but makes the provider happy to give you what you need and more, and in turn they feel good about serving you. I’m talking about getting more without even asking. There’s a way to communicate effectively to get what you need. We all have what it takes already; in most cases it goes unrecognized. We just chalk it up to, “at least I tried” whether the encounter was successful or not. What I’m writing about is having favor on your side as a way of life. Don’t you want to have the odds on your side to achieve everything you want in life? You have to be willing to trade the positive part of you to get what you want. In other words be willing to give the provider something they need. Something that makes them feel pleasant and fulfilled. You can do this without them even being aware; to me this is perhaps the most efficient way. Let me give you an example out of my life’s experience . In the 1980s I worked for a major public transportation (bus) company in California. I started at the entry level as a service employee. Basically my duty was to work graveyard shift and holidays, cleaning out fifty buses. You can’t imagine some of the things people discard and leave on buses. It would literally turn your stomach. I was young and arrogant in those days I had little respect for any authority. As a young man I knew that the life principles I chose to live by would cause me a harder road to travel in the work place. This was a price I was willing to pay. So I became known in the work place as a rebel and I worked hard to live up to the label. Oh, I did my job and did it well, but I would not be flexible or willing to give my employer any pleasure or satisfaction with my presence. I was not willing to change my character to fit my future positions with the company. I did advance in the company, but at a slower rate than my ability. I chalk this up the lack or unwillingness to give my employer pleasure from my character or personality . Now I look back in hindsight and see. With all the training this company provided (which I did take advantage of), I could have moved into management positions with ease and possible into upper management. I was such a rebel as I moved up the ranks from a service cleaner to the classification of Double ‘A’ mechanic/technician. This is the highest level of pay you can reach as a union member. I irritated my superiors to the point that they would send me at every opportunity to outside training just to get rid of me for the six to eight weeks the course took. My superiors felt I had an undesirable influence on the rest of my peers. Now that I look back, I have to agree with them. I guess I probably spent 6 months out of most years in special training. I believe my superiors wanted to use the training as a type of punishment. In those days most mechanics did not like the idea of studying or going back to school in a sense. But what actually happened is that I became well educated in all areas of diesel mechanics, electrical, transmissions, engines, and hydraulics. My specialty was in the repair of the newly acquired wheelchair lifts, and there were only six others certified to repair, out of about 200 mechanics. I was more knowledgeable than my superiors. This in a sense gave me a lot of “say so,” in the jobs that I assigned to myself, and I was able to choose my working hours. They even gave me my own shop with my own telephone. These things were unheard of in those days. I worked for this company for close to 13yrs. You might say that I had some successes and a lot of achievements. I remember when it infuriated my boss when I won the Mechanic of the Quarter Award. This was only because the operators (bus drivers) turned in a signed petition with over 70 names, recognizing me as one of the best mechanics that ever worked in the San Francisco bus terminal. Although it was not until years later that I realized that this award was not because I was the best mechanic ever or because I worked harder than anyone else, it was the very opposite. What I gave the operators was a sence of importance, pleasure, and fulfillment. This was totally contrary to what I gave to my bosses. I gave the operators a positive part of myself, my character and personality—this is what this book is about. In return, the drivers gave me more than I expected without having to ask for anything. Right now I bet you can look back on scenarios in your life, where you may have had similar experiences in your life. You may also relate to trading negativity from your personality and in return getting more negative responses, like I did with my bosses at the bus company. First you must try to understand yourself, who you are on the inside. What are your good points and bad points? Areas that are strong, areas that are weak. None of us is perfect. You have to keep in mind that always improving one’s self is a necessity. The desire not to improve will always be a very large barrier to hide behind, and a place for you to stumble throughout your life. Trying to force who you are on people will only bring them irritation. The irritation that you trade off will only put odds against you receiving positive flow in return. In fact, sending out negativity will only repel positive energy away from you.